JOKEBOOK.COM BY: M@R!A $alV<HeZ 12-13-04


Visitor's Jokes
by: Carlo Montes
Question: When is the best time to milk a cow?
Answer: When she is in the mooooood.

The Republican National Committee is changing it's emblem
The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is
changing it's emblem from an elephant to a condom. The committee chairman explained
that "the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed."

A Mexican Genie...

A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the Rio Grande when she
stumbled upon un old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up and rubbed
it, and a la ve, a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the
Genie told her he would grant her ONE weesh.

She said to the Genie. "I heard from mi prima that I coo get three
weeshes if I ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Oh no, sorry, esa.
Three-weesh genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WEESH Genie, Uno, no mas! So... que quiere?

The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eash other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americanos. It will bring world peace and harmony." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE! These countries have been at war for thousands of years.

I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done. "PLEASE make another weesh and please be reasonable."

The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never bean able to
fine the right man. I want a Mexicano boyfriend... You know, one that's
DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes to Cumbia and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me. That's what I weesh for... a good Mexicano man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cavesa and said, "Chingada
vieja! Let me see that freakin' map again."

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
TWO STRANGERS IN PLANE

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"


"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."

"Well then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


BRA SIZES?
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!
A} - Almost Boobs...
B} - Barely there.
C} - Can't Complain!
D} - Damn!
DD} - Double damn!
E} - Enormous!
F} - Fake.

FEMALE GOLFER

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to retrieve it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and women will flock to him."
The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof! - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. Again the frog warned, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."
So, poof! - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like to have a 'MILD HEART ATTACK'".
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:22:25 EDT
Subject: Mets vrs. Yanks
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A school teacher in NY who is a big Mets fan has gone over board. He asked
his students to tell him who was their favorite team in NY . The Yanks or The
Mets? All but one ,out of fear ,said they were Mets fans. That one boy was
asked by the teacher '' How did you end up a Yankee fan?" The kid replied ''
Because my mom and dad are Yankee fans." The teacher responds by saying to
the little boy ''that shouldn't matter, what if your mom and dad were moron's
,what would that make you''? The kid responded
''A METS FAN''

From: Cutie4ever838@aol.com
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 21:35:53 EDT
Subject: joke
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a fat man, Rupaul, and Bill Gates all died in a car accident. when they
reached heaven, God said, "You each could go back home but only if u give up
something u love." Bill Gates gave up money, the fat man gave up food, and
Rupaul gave up men. When they were all on earth again, they were walking down
a street. the fat man said "i smell pizza, i can't stand the urge" so he ate
the pizza. and poof! he disapperaed. when Rupaul, and Bill Gates were walking
down the street, bill found $50. when he bent down to pick it up, Poof !
rupaul diasppeared

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:19:32 EDT
Subject: Blonde jokes
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biography of a Blonde

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, and I didn't want any.
When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, and I missed mine.


From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:21:02 EDT
Subject: Black and White joke
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Black and White
A black man talks to a white man:
When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I'm sick I'm black,
When I go in the sun I'm black,
When I'm cold I'm black,
When I die I'll be black.
But you:
When you're born you're pink,
When you grow up you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you're cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!


From: "becky" <39blackwidow@pennswoods.net
To: <maria@jokebook.com
Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 15:22:16 -0400
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what happened when a brunett told a blonde to kiss her ass ? she bent down and did it!!!!!!!

Q.did you ever here of the man whos left side got cut of?
A.he's all right now

This joke is about the tomatoe,the hamburger,and the dick.
the tomatoe said to the hamburger you got it maid they slice me up and put me on bread.then the hamburger said to the tomatoe.you got it maid they slice me up and put me on buns.then the dick said to the tomatoe and the hamburger.both of ya'll got it maid they put a plastic bag over my head and make me do pushup's till I throwup


In Chigaco Illions a woman's husband worked until late at night. She wanted to get a watch dog so she went to the pet shop. At the pet shop she asked the clerk for a recomended watch dog."I know just what you need", said the clerck "I will be right back" The clerk returned holding a dinky yippy dog. "But that's not a watch dog" protested the woman. "It is as good as any. If not better. It knows Karate". "Yeah right" replies the woman."Then let me demonstrate" says the clerk."Karate the sign!" The next thing you saw was a sale sign in tiny shreads."Karate the chair" bellowed the clerk. Wooden splinters went flying through the air and the woman was convinced. "All right I will take it" She returns home to show her husdand her new watch dog. "That's no watch dog" says the husband."Yes it is. It know Karate"
"Karate my ass!"

Question: Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?
Answer: Because he had to get his Quarterback

A parrot and magician were on a cruise ship. During the magician's acts, the parrot would continue to swear. One day, the boat blew up, and my coincedence, the magician and parrot landed on the same peice of debris to float on. The parrot kept swearing, and the magician would continually respond with, "SHUT UP". Finally the parrot asks, "hows you hole, hows you hole". The magician, again, responds with, "shut up". The parrot seems surprised at this and says, "mine too!!! Must be the salt water."

A blone,a red head,and a black hair girl are stuck 20 miles from shore. The red head swims 15 miles gets tired and drowns. The black hair girl swims 18 miles then drowns. The blonde swims 18 miles gets tired and swims all the way back


02/03/01
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because the go deep into the bush, they shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.

Conan the Barbarian
02/02/01
A deaf women and a deaf man get married. On the wedding night the women gets into bed, the man shuts of the lights and jumps into bed.
The women jumps out of bed, turns on the light and signs to the man " what if you want to have sex with me?"
The man signs back "I'll squeeze you boob once."
"But what if you don't want to have sex with me?" she signs back
To which he replies "well I'll just squeeze your breast twice."
"Ok" she signs back. Then she turns off the lights and jumps back into bed. A minute later she jumps out of bed turns on the light and sings to her husband "what if I want to have sex with you?"
"Well then just reach down and squeeze my penis once” he signs back
"Ok, but what if I don't want to have sex with you?" she signs
He replies, "Well then just reach down and squeeze my penis 100 times."

adam
squatingdog14
11/19/00
A school class went on a feild trip to a life savers factory they were guessing the colors when they got to yellow they were stumped. The teacher said I'll give you a hint it might be something your mom calls your dad. Then a girl said I know ASS HOLE and the techer said not that honey

what does a priest and a xmas tree have in common?
Both their balls are just fo decoration


Marlena ChattyChik34@yahoo.com
01/24/01
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She always ran away from the ball.


Past Visitor's Jokes

THE CLASS OF 2008

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense
of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1985/1986.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 7 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember
the Cold War..

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up (the
first time).

Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to
them. They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of
Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was
introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have
they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the
"Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II
and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct
answer, by the way, is Ork)

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not bands.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to other
old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.

How old is Grandma?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- I think you'll be
surprised.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current
events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute. In the year of my
birth--before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,
contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill--there was no radar, credit
cards,laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes
dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air, and man
hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first - and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man
older than me, 'Sir' - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen
and every man with a title, "Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare
centers,and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference
between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our
actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having
a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft
dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze
started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys
wearing earrings were unknown. The Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches were listened to on radios. And I'm sure no kid ever blew his
brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

Anything with 'Made in Japan' on it was junk. The term 'making out'
referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut,
McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent
stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel. Or, that nickel could be spent on enough stamps to mail 1
letter and 2 postcards.

Dads could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too
bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

Back then, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was
something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of
wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't
even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and
say there is a generation gap ..... and how old do you think I am ???

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the
same time. Stop the world, I want to get off!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This woman would be only 59 years old!


Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2001 21:33:25 -0700

From: Leoncio Guerrero <lfg6745@earthlink.net>
To: marialena@marialena.com
Subject: for jokebook
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.


suhail@hotmail.com.com
Q: Why does the third month always get tired
A: Because it is always marching!
Q: What did the mayonnaise say when the boy opened the refrigerator door?
A: I'm dressing!!!!

Jessica
when you were little you were so ugly that your momma had to feed you with a sling shot
cumball15@hotmail.com
Egocentric A person who believes he is everything you know you are


coolanosh@usa.net
11/28/00

once there 3 people went to god. they were bill clinton nava sarif and vajpaee. they went to god. 1st bill clinton asked god " when will corruption go from my country " god replied " about 30 40 yrs. " bill started cryin' on asked he answered that he would not live so long. 2nd nava sarif asked " when will curruption go from my country " god replied " about some 50 60 yrs. " nava started to cry. on asked he to replied that he would not live that long. now vajpaee asked the same question. then suddenly god started to cry.on bieng asked by vajpaee god replied that he himself would not live so long.

It's not how deep you fish... It's how you wiggle the worm.

What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you?
Run like hell because she still has the grenade.

updaters@eawrestling.com

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COCONUT AND a DEERNUT?
ANSWER:You can get a coconut at the Super Market for under 2 dollars but you can get a DEERNUT for under a BUCK??

Knok knok whos there justin justin who?
Justin time for dinner

what do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel? sparky.
A man walks into a pub. in the corner of the pub there was a donkey. It was the most miserable animal that he had ever seen. Next to the donkey there was a bucket full of money. They man walks up to the barman and says "Barman, why is there a bucket of meny next to that donkey?" The barman replies "Well, this donkey is so miserable, that we r telling people to put money into the bucket, then try and cheer the donkey up, if they succeed, they get to keep the money. So far, no one has succeeded." "Well," said the man "Let me have a go." So he walked up to the donkey, put some money in the bucket, and whispered something into the donkeys ear. Suddenly, the donkey started laughing. So, the man picked up the bucket of money and walked out.
About two weeks later, the man returned to the pub. The donkey was there, still laughing, with another bucket of money beside it. The man walked up to the bar and said "Barman, why is there another bucket of money beside that donkey?" and the barman replied "Well, since you were last here he hasn't stopped laughing, so we are taking the same approach as before to calming him down. Whoever calms him down keeps the money." "Well," said the man. "Let me have a go" so he walked up to the donkey, put some money in the bucket and stood in front of it, so no one could see what he was doing. Suddenly, the donkey started crying his eyes out. So, once again, the man picked up the bucket of money and went to the bar to buy a drink. "That's amazing!" shouted the barman. "How did you do it? First you managed to make him laugh, then you managed to make him cry. how did you do it?" "Well" Began the man. "Last time when I was in, I bet the donkey that I had a bigger cock than him, he laughed. This time I showed him!!"

why did the pervert cross the road? he was stuck to the chicken.

Q:Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?
A: Ahh, nevermind it was pointless!
There were two muffins in the oven; the first muffin turns to the other and says "whoo!It's hot in here!"
the second muffin screams "AHHH!! A talking muffin!!"
DAVID MHTEENSPIRIT@AOL.COM 11/10/00
HOW DO YOU MAKE HOLY WATER? GET REGULER WATER AND BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT
Q:How do you clean a tuba?
A:With a Tuba Toothpaste
Confucious Says:
Virginity like Balloon,one prick all gone.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who falls asleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers
mike
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked. The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the
man said. Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy." A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.One day a duck walks into a feed shop. He asks the manager if he had any corn. The manager said, "we don't sell to ducks." The next day the duck walks back in. He asks the same question. He gets the same answer. The manger says, "if you come in again tomorrow i'm gonna nail your beak to the floor." The next day the duck walks in and asks do you have any nails. "No", the manager answers. Do you have any corn the duck asks.
Corey Newell vikings18@hotmail.com 11/08/00
why can't blonde's make colade? Becouse they can't fit 2 quorts of water in the pakets.
Kathy barbiegurl107@goplay.com 11/08/00
there was once a bus driver who every day picked up exactly 25 white students and 25 black ones. Every day the students would argue about weather the white students or weather the black ones should have to sit in the back of the bus. Finally one day the us driver got really fead up and he pulls the bus over. He tells all the students to get off the bus and stand outside where every body could hear him. "From now on", the bus driver says, "there is no more black and white. You are all green". All the students think that is a good idea and readly agree with the bus driver. So the bus driver says, "ok then every body on the bus, and all you dark green kids move to the back".
Jace
Why is a river so rich? because it has two banks on each side
what has 4 wheels an flys? a garbage truck
Kmock knock? whos there? boo who? don't cry its just a joke.
Rosarito Jahn r2rjahn@earthlink.net
a blond wanted to prove to her husband that not all blonds are dumb, and cant do anything on their own. so the next day when her husband went to work, she decide to paint the living room. when her husband came home, he noticed she was wearing a fur coat and another jacket over, he asked her and she replied that the paint can said "for best result apply two coats"
Derek Erwin slick_clyde2000@hotmail.com 11/07/00
How do you kill a dumb blond? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you save a dumb blond? Take your foot off her head. What does a dumb blond and a shotgun have in commom? Give them a cock and they explode. What do you do if a dumb blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you call a group of black people sitting in a shed? Antique farm equipment. What do you call a group of black people falling from the sky? Night. What do you call it when they hit the ground? Pavement.
One day a man went into a bar, and started drinking. There was a jar with 100,000,000 dollars in it. The man askes, "Whats the jar for?" The bartender replys "You get the money if you do these special tasks." The man says "Well, what are the tasks?" The bartender says "First, you gotta go over to that biker over there and kill him. Second, you have to go downstairs and pull a loose tooth out of a rabid rottweiler. Third, you see that hot chick over there? You have to do it with her. You got the rules?" The man replys "Nah, I don't think I'll do it." Later on after the guy has had a few beers, he goes back to the bartender and says "Well I guess I could use the money. I'll give it a shot." So the man goes over to the biker and throws him on the ground and kicks him in the face. Then he goes down to the basement, but he doesn't come up for a while. All of a sudden, he hears a bunch of scraping and yelping on the basement floor. The bartender goes "Well, he's done for." Then the man comes out from the basement and says to the bartender, his hair all messed up, "So now wheres the chick with the loose tooth?"
Andy Miller
the_rottencheese_crew@hotmail.com
whats a blondes version of safe sex?
locking the car door
Candace Luther
candy_o_3000@yahoo.com
Q: Why did the Vampire run out of the restaraunt?
A: Because someone ordered a stake.
BIG D
Big_D_ny@hotmail.com
Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
A. Because he only comes once a year!!!

Mr. Parton
www.iamplayinggolf@bigpond.com
Q: What's an Irishman's latest invention?
A: A glass door with a peep-hole!
sharod silas
your mama head head is so bald it slip of the pillow at night
Marc Mueller mightymouse_mv@hotmail.com 11/03/00
A little kid and his father were playing football at a park. The little kid saw two dogs making love. So the little kid asked his father, "Daddy, what are those dogs doing over there?" The dad replied, "There just play fighting." Then they left. At home at the supper table the boy asks,"Daddy, why were those dogs fighting like that?" The dad replied, " Well son, actually they were trying to make a little puppy." Later that night the kid walked in on his parents having sex, "Daddy," he yelled, "What are you doing to mommy?" "well son we're trying to make a little brother or sister for you." The child then answered, "Daddy turn mommy over, i'd rather have a little dog instead."
Lia
GoogleBerry747@aol.com
why do bald guys cut holes in their pockets?
to run their fingers through their hair!
What did the math book say to the other math book? BOY DO I HAVE PROBLEMS

why don't lobsters share their toys? because their shellfish
There was an organization that took a guy from Texas, a guy from Africa, Adn a guy from Japan and put them on a secluded island. They put the Texan in charge of the shelter, the African in charge of the food, and the Japanese guy in charge of supplies. A year later, the organization came back to check up on the three men. The Texan had a nice house built and the African had a nice garden with a lot of different crops. For some reason, they couldn't find the Japanese guy. "We haven't seen him since we've been here," said the other two men. They went to the backyard. The Japanese guy jumped out of a tree and yelled,"SUPPLIES!!!!"
maddog
how fare can a dog run into the woods? hafe way.
Mother and young child are walking down the street. They come to an alley and see two dogs fucking.
Child: Mama! look at those dogs.
Mother (thinking fast): The dog on the top ran into the street and was hit by a car. His legs are broken. The dog on the bottom is helping him to get to the doggie hospital because he can't walk.
Child: Oh!
Mother: Now what do you learn from that?
Child: Uhh...
Mother: Never...
Child: Never try to help anybody out because they will just stick it right in your ass.
Mickey and Minnie were going thru a bitter long drawn out divorce court battle both attorneys were accusing each side of terrible treatment and the battle lasted for days. Finally the judge says "OK I've heard enough, I'm going to take a 1 hour break and I'll come back with my decision"
One hour passes with both sides squirming in their seats. Finally the judge emerges from his chambers sits down and looks across the court room and down at Mickey and says, "Well Mr. Mouse, I've heard your arguments but I'm afraid this court has found you have been unable to prove that your wife is crazy"
Mickey looks up at the judge perplexed and says, "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking goofy".
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?' The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced 'Four.'
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked 'How much do you want it to be?'

Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid?
They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the envelope!
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
iluvchelsie4eva@aol.com
Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? A.He didnt have the guts to.
what does a blonde do if you tell her "hey, look a dead bird"????? she looks up and says " where "
What did the blonde do to the orenge juice?? she concentrated!!!!!
yomomma so ugly that she went to church a god told her church is not for everybody.
How can you tell if a Polack is at an airport? He's throwing bread at the airplanes!

What do you do when you see 15 lions, 14 tigers, and 20 elephants? Wait for the Merry-Go-Round to stop and
run away.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?...Shine a flashlight in their ear.
why do blonde's have T.G.I.F written on the front of there shirt? TITS GO IN FRONT
Courtney
adisabilitie5187@aol.com
whats smaller than a chiger? a chigers thingie majiger
Scott Rauwerda
sisque@hotmail.com
why do golfers wear two pears of pants? IN CASE THEY GET A HOLE IN ONE!!!!
Why did the blonde climb over the glass fence? To see what was on the other side.
your mama so ugly that the peeping tom reach in the window and pulled the shad down
WHAT KIND OF BEES GIVE MILK? BOOBIES!!!!
What do you see when the Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts
a blond a brunette and a readhead are running away from the police and they
run into a barn. the redhead hides behing a horse and the cops say, " maybe
their is someone behind the horse". the redhead says naaaaaaaaaaay and the
cops say, " nope its just a horse". the brunette hides behind a cow and the
police say, " maybe there is someone behind the cow", the brunette goes
mooooooooooo and the cops say " no its just a cow. the blond hides behind a
sack of potatoes and the police say
"maybe there is someone behind the sack of potatoes", and the blond says
potatoes!

what do a blond and a bowling ball have in common
they both get fingered thrown in the gutter and come back for more!
Q: How can you tell if you have thick glasses?
A: If you look at a map and see people waving!
Q: How can you tell if your mom is fat?
A: If she fills up the bath tub and then turns on the water!
(q)where do books sleep? (a) under their covers.
nicole
ghettegirl181248
(q)why did the boy stick a hose in his friends ear?
(a)because he wanted to brainwash him.
A man walks into a retaurant and orders the soup of the day. A little later on the waiter brings him a hot
bowl of soup and sets it down in front of him. The man looks at the soup and then asks the waiter, "What
kind of soup is this?" The waiter answers, "It's bean soup, sir." The man says, "I don't care what it's
been, what is it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Erin Dailey
Why did the blonde carry a mirror every where she went?
Because she heard a rumor that her boyfriend was seeing another girl behind her back.

kendall hinton
indiannanicole2000@hotmail.com
10/23/00
There was this little girl named Annie that sat infront of a little boy named Johnny in Sunday school. Annie alway slept during the Sunday school lesson. One Sunday the teacher asked " Who created the earth?" and she called on Annie to answer. Annie was sleeping so Johnny stabbed her with a pencil. Annie woke up and said "Jesus Christ" The teacher said very good Annie. A few minutes later Annie was sleeping again and the teacher asked "Who was Jesus' father?" Johnny stabbed Annie again and she yelled out "God Allmighty" the teacher said very good Annie. About five minutes later the teacher asked Annie,"what was the first words Eve said to Adam" Johnny stabbed her once more and Annie jumped up and shouted "If you stick that thing in me one more time in gonna break it in half." The teacher fainted.

10/20/00
Once there was a sick woman that was about to die so she called her lawer and her preecher and she said "will you both stand on each side of my bed and hold my hand and the two men said why and the woman said because I want to die like jesus did with two thieves on each side.


10/18/00
a couple of fishing buddies from Alabama decided yo travel to minnesota one winter to try ic fishing.Just before they reached the frozen lake, they stopped at a bait shop to buy some supplies. "don't forget an ice pick," one of them said. They paid for thier purchases and were off. two hours later they came back. "we need another dozen ice picks,"they said. they bought a whole box full and left. But in an hourthey were back. the bait man asked "how you fellow's doing?" "not to well the fishermen replied. "we don't even got the boat in the water yet."


10/18/00
How did the dum blonde brake her arm raking leafs?
She fell out the tree.

clay
Gaclay788@aol.com
There were 3 men stuck on a tropical island with a canibal. The canibal caught all three of them and said to them,"Go into the forest and bring back 10 of the same fruit. When you get back i will tell you what to do next. The first guy came back with 10 apples and then the canibal said, "Now shove all 10 up your butt without laughin and i will let u live. He gets to three and starts laughing.So the canibal eats him and he goes to hevan. The second guy comes back with bluberrys the canibal says the same the canibal tells him the same thing. He got to 9 and burst out laughing.So the canibal eats him and he goes to hevan. Well the first guy meets the second guy in hevan and says,"What happin u were so close" the second guy says " I saw the third guy comin up with pineapples"


There once was a guy named Arty, and he worked at a grocery store. One day, two guys came along and stole his wallet and ran off with it, fortunatly, it only had $1 in it. Arty noticed the theft and ran after them, caught them, and choked them to death. the newspaper made a typying error on the story saying Artichokes 2 for $1.
cheers4fun@yahoo.com
Q. what did one physics teacher say to the other physics teacher?
A. Whats the matter?

Tony E.
cybertigerdesire@Hotmail.com
How do keep a blonde busy all day? You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner

Mackenzie
A blond a burnett and a red head all swam the English Channel. The burnett did it in 5 hours the read
head in 7. The blond showed up three days later. When they asked her what took her so long she replied,
"Well the other girls cheated! They used their arms and legs while doing the breast stroke!"

Ben
Bashingben@aol.com
theres a blonde a brunet and a red head, they are all running from the cops when they run into a factory
and hide in three empty sacks the cops run in and one kicks the brunet, she brks like a dog then the cop
says oh its only a dog then kicks the red head she meows like a cat the cop says oh its only a cat then
kicks the blonde she goes patatoe patatoe

tou
vicate@netvigator
The boxer said have i damage my opponent yet? No,but keep swinging it might give him a draft!

nico vicate@netvigator
Once there was a snail that crashed with a turtle. In the hospital the doctor said what happened.He said "you see it happened so fast i couldn't remember.

storyteller vicate@netvigator
Once there was a man named Forget. He wanted to by a horse.He asked the shop owner,that he wanted to have a horse. There was only one left.The shop owner said i have one more but it only obeys 2 commands.If you want it to go fast as the wind say thank goodness. If you want it to stopsay TomCruise.He was riding as fast the wind he was going to fall on cliff but he could'nt remember how to stop! He said Billclinton,santaclause,helenhunt. Finally he remembered it was tomcruise he stopped at the nick of time. Then he said THANK GOODNESS!

there was a blond who wanted to buy a T.V. so she went to the t.v. store and said hi want to buy a
t.v. "sorry we don't serve blonds" she came back once again the next day and said "Hi I would like to buy a
t.v." the clerk once again said "sorry we don't serve blonds" well the blond went back several more times,
asked the same question and got the same answer as she did all the other times,"sorry we don't serve blonds" so the next day she put on a burnette wig and went to the store and said "i would like to buy a t.v." and the clerk said
"sorry we don't serve blonds" the blond answered "How the heck do you know Im a blond?" the clerk smiled and said" well mam because those aren't t.v.s those are microwaves"

grandpa&grandma
grandpa was sick so they went to the doctor. the doctor said grandpa your heart is geting weak.
there can be no more climbing stairs or hanky panky. grandpa & grandma went home.
that night grandpa went to bed down stairs. while grandma went to bed up stairs.
about 11 oclock that night they meet on the stairs. grandma said were are you going.
grandpa said up stairs to die. were are you going. grandma said down stairs to kill you.
they lived happy the rest of there lives
what do you call a smart blonde?A golden retriever

santacruz100@hotmail.com
Why don"t chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their face!!
What is tougher than a pitbull with aids? The sick bastard who gave it to him!!!
Ryan F. Brian
bry0373@aol.com
what three words women never want to hear while having sex? "HONEY I'M HOME"
Three Newfies are hitch-hiking down a road, when a drver in an uncovered pick-up truck stops and asks where their
going, and they say Toronto. He gives them a ride, but they have to ride in the back. Half way there, the truck
crashes into Lake Ontario. The driver quickly climbs out and surfaces, and looks around for the Newfies but he can't
find them. One minute passes, no Newfies. Two minutes pass, no Newfies. Three minutes pass, no Newfies. Finally, five
minutes later, the Newfies suface. "What took so long! I thought you drowed!" The driver exclamed. "Sorry," one said.
"We had trouble opening the tailgait.

Ryan F.
A blond is putting a puzzle together, when her boy friend comes to the door. She tells him shes having trouble putting her puzzle together. He asks what the picture is, and she tells him a rooster. He walks into the room and says, "For gods sake! put the Corn Flakes away!"
There was this little boy sitting on the side of the road. He'd eat a M&M, bite a cat on the ass, move on down the curb. Eat a M&M, bite a cat on the ass, move on down the curb. This man came along, said, " Boy what are you doing?" Boy said " Playing truck driver." "Playing truck driver???" Boy said yeah..... "Poppin' pills, eatin pussy, and mvin' on down the road."

Kaitlyn
Kait2005@aol.com
Why do graveyards have fences around them?... To keep the dead people in..

Becky
Three men die in a car crash and to get a good car in heaven they each have to answer a question, so st.peter says to the first man 'how many years were you with your wife and did you ever cheat on her?' the 1st man replies 'I was with my wife for 12 years and I cheated on her 9 times,' 'right,you get a mini,'says st.peter'who's next?' so the 2nd man steps forward and st.Peter asks the same question, 'I was with my wife 20 years and I cheated on her 6 times' 'right said st.peter you get a rover, and now for you' 'I was with my wife 30 years and I didn't cheat on her once!' 'Thats what we like to hear, you get a jaguar,' so the 2 men with the mini and the rover are driving around when they see a the man with the Jaguar crying so they ask him whats wrong and he replies 'I just saw my wife driving around on a skateboard!'

A man died and went to Heaven and along the road to the white pearly gates he saw a shack to the side of the road and went inside an angel was sitting at a desk and was doing some paper work . and the walls were covered with clocks . so the man said what are all the clocks for.the Angel looked up and said the hand on each clock moves each time someone tells a lie. she said for example this is mona lias clock it has moved only 2 time ,so she has told only 2 lies. then she said this is bradd pits clock it has not moved at all. then the man said where is Bill clitions clock? the angel said it is in Gods office he uses it as a fan.

Q. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? A. findinf half of a worm

Two blondes were standing on a corner the first said "look at that dog with one eye the other covered her eye.
what do you call 4 dumb blondes at a 4 way stop? ETERNITY
Brandy
Brandy_pooh2000@yahoo.com
an Englishman,an Irishman, and a Scotsman were hiding from bandits up in trees. The chief bandit called up one tree "anyone up there?" "cheep cheep" like a bird. then the next tree he called again "anyone up there?" "Eeek! eeek!" like a monkey. Then he called to the next one "anyone up there?" Moo-oo

Becky
Three Nuns die in a car crash and when they arive at heavens gates st.Peter said 'if you want to get into heaven you each have to answer a question' the nuns replied 'OK' so he askes the first nun 'who was the first women?' the first nun replies 'Eve' 'right your in, next, where did Eve live?' 'The garden of Eden' 'correct your in,next,now because your the mother superier you get a harder question' 'that seams fair'says the nun 'OK what did Eve say to Adam the first time she saw him?' 'Ooh thats a hard one...' 'right your in'
mb_026@hotmail.com
09/26/00
Santa Claus, The tooth fairy, a dumb blond, and a smart blonde are walking down the street and they spot a twenty dollar bill. Who picks it up?
Answer- the dumb blond because, their is no such thing as Santa, the tooth fairy
and a smart blond!!!

Jake
methodboy888
09/26/00
she was so blonde she thought a quarterback was a refund! she was so blonde she sat on the tv and watched the couch!

ben bopes
bennymac57@hotmail.com
09/25/00
why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton? she had a blonde boyfriend
Jack Butler
09/25/00
A hunter is out in the woods, creeping along through the undergrowth. All of a sudden, he notices a hairy lump sticking in the air behind a bush. So, he takes aim with his rifle, takes a breath and fires. BANG! The lump explodes in a shower of feathers and fur. The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. There's a big grizzly behind him. "You thought that was me, didn't ya," growls the bear. "By rights, I should rip you limb from limb. But," the bear continues, "I won't on the condition that you let me take you behind that bush and have sex with you." The hunter, desperate for his life, agrees.
Next day he returns to the woods, this time carrying a heavy bore shotgun, as well as his rifle and a serious need for revenge. He creeps along and notices a hairy lump sticking in the air behind a bush. He takes his shotgun and pumps a couple of shots into the lump, then takes his rifle and fires a few shots. BANGBANGBANGBANG!!!
Feather and furs fly everywhere. The hunter feels a tap. ("ulp") He turns round, this time to see two bears. The same ultimatum is offered, this time that it's to be with both bears. Again the hunter agrees. Next day. The hunter crawls slowly-slowly through the undergrowth, his backside sore, carrying a grenade launcher. He sees the lump again, takes aim and lets a couple of grenades go. BOOM!!! BOOM!!! Feathers and fur. Again, the tap. The hunter turns round, knowing what he's going to see. He gasps when he sees a long line of Grizzlies. The lead grizzly grins and says, "It's not really the hunting you're here for is it."

09/25/00
why did raggaty ann get kickred out of the toy box * because she sat on pinocio's face and moaned lie to me lie to me What do you call a blonde with pigtails *a blowjob with handlebars
why did frosty the snowman pull down his pants * he heard the snow blower coming

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
They left the plunger in the toilet
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Choked

SARA RYAN
SUPERSJR58@AOL.COM
JOE:WHAT DO YOU CALL A TALK SHOW HOSTED BY A VEGETABLE?
MOE: OKRA WINFREY!

Kim
Kim2oo5@aol.com
What's the one-legged man's favorite restaraunt? IHOP!!!

What's in the middle of Paris?
"R"

Where does the general keep his armies?
Up his sleeve!

Alex Bansleben
bans@erols.com
Knock,knock
Who's there? Alex Alex who? Alexplain later

DonBans@sealedair.com
09/22/00
A lady once lost her three dogs in a village.Their names were Earthquake, Tidal Wave, and lie.She tried to find them and she called, Earthquake!And everybody got out of their houses and ran around until they realized there wasn't an earthquake.Then she called Tidal Wave! And everybody came running out of their houses and all of them climbed a tree.Then she called Lie! And everybody got down from the trees and went over to her and started a fight.

Q: what has 14 legs, bad breathe, musty, & doesn't take a bath
A: I don't know but i'm staying away from it
hugo watney
www.watney@netcomuk.co.uk
A man walks into a bar and says to the bar man."I bet you five hundred pounds that i can pee into that glass over there".The bar man says ok.so the guy starts to pee,and he's peeing all over the place .He's peeing on the walls ,on the ceiling,on the barman ,and he's peeing every where exept the glass.So the barman's laughing, with urine dripping off his face and he's realy happy and says ,"you dumb idiot you now owe me five hundred pounds"!So the man goes to the back of the bar where he sees these guys playing snooker ,then comes back to the bar.The guy slaps the money on the bar with a great big grin on his face. "Why are you so happy you just lost five hundred pounds"? "Well see those guys over there,I just bet them a thousand pounds that I could pee on you ,pee on your bar and you not only not be mad about it but you'd be happy"!

A guy walked into a bar with a duck under his arm and the bartender asked, "Where'd ya get the
pig?" The guy lookd at the bartender and said, "It's not a PIG you idiot, it's a DUCK!" The
bartender looked at the guy and said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck!"

mike otis mma2000@hotmail.com 08/19/00
A preacher skipped his Sunday sermon to go bear hunting. He packs his truck and trusty rifle and heads to the woods. As he is walking through the forest, he hears a movement in the bushes behind him. He turns around and there is a huge grizzly standing there. His first instinct is to take off running. As he is running, he is praying "God, please forgive for skipping church! Answer my one prayer and I will never skip church!" "Please make a christian out of this bear." Instantly the bear drops to his knees and prays "dear Lord bless this food I'm about to receive!"

lenny c. sanchez lennysanchez@hotmail.com 09/16/00
Why is Santa Claus so merry? He knows where all the bad girls live.

what time is it when the clock strikes 13'0clock? time to get a new clock
Q: What do you call a fish with ten I's? A: Fiiiiiiiiish
Q: Why did the coach go to the bank? A: To get his quarter back!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doc? A: He was feeling kind of crumby!
Q: You're in a dream and there is a stoned wall with no door or no window. There's one mirror through.You have to get out but the only utensils you have are a knife and a gun. How do you get out? A: You wake up!
Q: What do you call two banana peels? A: Slippers

Dumb Blonde Jokes
Got Milk??
indiannanicole2000@hotmail.com
This blonde was driving down the road when she looked out into the cut down corn field and saw another blonde out there rowing a boat. The blonde in the car stopped and said "Blondes like you give us a bad name, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass myself."

A swimming race. A blonde, a red-head and a brunette. The brunette and the red-head come tied first and the blonde is miles behind. She is very upset so she goes to the swimming race judge and says "It's not fair. You said it was a breast-stroke and they used their arms.

Anna
Shortstack94@hotmail.com
what do you call 100 blondes buried up to their necks in sand? not enough sand
Did you hear about the blonde who thought her typewriter was pregnant? Seems it was skipping periods.

One day a blond was driving by a house, and she had seen another blond steering a fishing boat that was on a trailer in the driveway. The first blond stopped and gets out the car and says, you know its blonds like you who make us other blonds look bad, if I could swim over there I would personally kick your white behind

How come the blonde had a square chest? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

A brunette says, "Look, there's a dead bird." A blonde looks up and asks, "Where?"

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde -- the other two are make-believe.

What about the blonde who stayed up all night studying for a urine test?

Did you hear about the blonde who was two hours late getting home because the escalator got stuck?

How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it.

Why did the blond climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

What do you call three blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.

What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie? Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.

Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.

Mike Kopil kopilc63@hotmail.com 11/14/00
How do you confuse a blond?put it in a round room and tell it to find a corner.

Mitch Ryder
Ruffryder08@hotmail.com
What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette Blonde, Brunette? Madonna Doing Cartwheels

Did you hear about the company that's hiring only blondes ... to lighten its overhead.
Why aren't blondes allowed to take coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.
Did you hear that the only job for blondes is at the candy factory proofreading M&M's?
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out the W's!
Where I work, we have a blonde who is so dumb, she thinks "manual labor" is a Mexican! She also thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
What did the blonde say when asked to spell her name? "H-E-R N-A-M-M."
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer? From the whiteout all over the screen.
What do you call a blonde driving a car? An air bag.
A blonde was on her way to California when she saw a sign that said "Clean Restrooms Ahead." By the time she hit the coast, she had cleaned 78 of them.
What goes "VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH?" A blonde at a flashing red light.
Two blonds were walking along the road when they came upon some tracks. One of them said, "looks like deer tracks." The other one said, "looks like moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left." So they turned around and went home.
What did the blonde say when she went to check if her turn signal was working? "Yes it is ... no it isn't ... yes it is ...."
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked her how many pieces she wanted it sliced into, six or twelve? "Six," she said, "I could never eat twelve pieces!"
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the Pop-Tart out of the toaster in one piece.
How can you tell when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? There are M&M shells all over the floor.
What do you call it when Suzanne Somers tries to teach Madonna how to cook? The blonde leading the blonde.
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? "Oh look, doughnut seeds!"
Why does a blonde eat beans on Saturday? So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.
Why don't blondes like pickles? They keep getting their heads stuck in the jar.
Why don't blondes like Twinkies? The cellophane gets caught in their teeth.
Why don't blondes make Kool-Aid? They can't figure out how to get two quarts of water in that little package.
A blonde was pregnant for a second time so she asked her husband if they needed to get married again.
Did you hear about the blonde housewife who was mad at her husband? He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.
Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains? Her husband died.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought her typewriter was pregnant? Seems it was skipping periods.
Did you hear about the pregnant blonde who went to the grocery store because she heard they had free delivery?
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Oh, I hope it's mine!"
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem.
How come the blonde had a square chest? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Why do blondes have beehive hairdos? So nothing goes over their heads.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? To remind them that "Toes Go In First."
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? So they won't hurt their ears when they shake their heads saying "Like, I don't know."
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Give her your credit card and tell her she can buy all the shoulder pads she wants.
How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
A brunette says, "Look, there's a dead bird." A blonde looks up and asks, "Where?"
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde -- the other two are make-believe.
Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right side? She didn't know where to buy Left Guard.
What about the blonde who stayed up all night studying for a urine test?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean glass?
Did you hear about the blonde who was two hours late getting home because the escalator got stuck?
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped all the shreds.
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? She has a checkbook.
How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror in the bathtub.
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? Wave.
How do you measure a blonde's IQ? With a tire gauge.
How do you put a twinkle in a blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a blonde hemophiliac cure herself? With acupuncture!
How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it.
I knew a suicidal blonde. Dyed by her own hands.
If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
What did the blonde name her pet Zebra? Spot.
What did the blonde yell in an emergency? "What's the number of 911?"
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
What do four blondes have in common? Nothing they can think of.
What do you call 25 blondes piled on top of each other? An air mattress.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A space.
What do you call a blonde in leather jacket? A rebel without a clue!
What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.
What do you call a group of blondes sitting in a circle? A dope ring.
What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever.
What do you call ten blondes standing in a row? A wind tunnel.
What do you call three blondes in a corner? An air pocket.
What do you call three blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What is a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air? Collecting her thoughts.
What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde? You keep hearing about them, but never see one ....
What's similar about the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and a smart blonde? They're all make-believe.
Why can't blondes fart? They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie? Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Isn't that where you wash your vegetables?
Why do you take a blonde shopping with you? So you can park in the handicapped zone.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? The winner of a Hide and Seek game.
What happened to the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear.


Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy 02 of 04
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch you lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he punched me again.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.


Bart's Chalk Board Quotes
These are the collected writings of the Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Jewish Jokes
Are you a Mexican Jew?
If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas....
Mexican status!!

If your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco
vending business,
Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area
while chanting, "Sana, Sana, Colita de rana....." You're Mexican, big
time!!!

If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on
your car, truck, or tattooed on your back. Yes, you ARE a Mexican
(proud one too).

If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifa, your
old lady, or your vieja, guess what? You're a Mexican.

If you throw a "Grito" every time you hear Vicente Fernandez,
then not only are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and been told "pobrecito de
ti si lloras" or "Vas a ver orita que salgamos." Yes, you're
definitely a Mexican.

If you grew up scared of someone called La Llorona, or fear the
dark because of El CuCuy! Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every
drawing. You're in the Mexican Zone!!!

If you ask for something by "dame esa chingadera" instead of
calling it by its name. Yup! Mexican!

If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys" or cake as "kay
ke". You're a Mexican.

If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out
why your butt is getting bigger......You might be a Mexican.

If you have some tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to
a birthday party at "el parque". You are a Mexican.

If your Tias and Abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels
and all to go to the "pulga." (AKA the Flea Market) Then, yes, you are a
Mexican.

If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, mint
green, and purple. Mexican.

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top
of an old car to dry laundry. Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you're congested and your mamasita rubbed "Bicks" into your
nostrils and gives you "jugo de sebolla" with sugar, (grandma's recipe) to
help relieve your symptoms. You're Mexican.

IF YOU DON'T NEED ANY EXPLANATIONS FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE, YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A TRUE MEXICAN. VIVA LA RAZA!!!

You know your laughing your head off. It's all in fun, so don't get all
"adoloridos." Just pass it on so another Mexican can laugh too

Q. why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q. What is the difference between an Italian grandmother and a Jewish grandmother?
A. One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
Q. Why is money green?
A. Jews pick it before its ripe
Q. How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A. A long, long time ago, a Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Many years ago, two Jews found the same penny.
Q. What's a jew's idea of Christmas?
A. Parking meters on the roof.
Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
A. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?"

Father Murphy and the Rabbi were at a buffet. Father Murphy helped himself to a selection of cold meats and joked, 'I wonder if I'll ever see you helping yourself to a plate of cold ham?" The Rabbi said, "I probably will--at your wedding!"

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the father. "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'

Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the good book. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable rare priceless parrot that recites the whole book in yiddish -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and he does it perfectly."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
"AVRAHAM", she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house".
"MOISHE", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas".
"But DAVID", she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!"

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel."
No answer.
A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel."
No answer from anyone.
A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.
Still no answer from anyone.
Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit:
"This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."
"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section. The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to place an obituary."
"Awright, how would you like it to read?"
"Irving Cohen died."
"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
"That's it."
"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
"All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told "But they are out of season !"
"So, I'll wait..."
A korean and jew are at a bar having some drinks. Out of the blue, the Jew punches the Korean in the face.
" What was that for! " exclaimed the Korean.
" Now that, " said the Jew " Was for Pearl harbor"
" Pearl Harbor! That was the Japenese!"
" Japenese, Chinese, Korean, what's the difference!"
Time passes and out of the blue the korean punches the Jew in the face.
" What was that for!" excaimed the Jew
" That, " said the Korean, " Was for the titanic"
" The Titanic was sunk by an iceburg! "
" Iceburg, Goldburg, what's the difference!"

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

In the early twenties, three Jews emigrated to the United States. As so often happened in those days, the American immigration officials at Ellis Island simplified their complicated names on the official records. In this case, the three were recorded as Diamond, Gold, and Taylor. Many years later, they met and asked how each of them had done.
Diamond: Oh, I've done very well. With my name I started a jewelry store. Right from the start it was successful. Now there are Diamond Jewelers all over the country.
Gold: Well, brother Diamond, I, too, have succeeded. Same idea. Gold? So I started the Gold Ornaments Shop. The shop succeeded wonderfully. The branches spread.
Now, I'm a millionaire.
Taylor: With me it wasn't so simple. My name is Taylor, so I started a clothing store. I worked very hard, but it failed. So I started another, but it also failed. My family, they were starving. So what could I do but pray to God. "Oh, Lord," I said, "help me to prosper. Lord, if you do, I'll promise to give you 50 percent of the profits."
Diamond and Gold: Well, tell us. Did it work?
Taylor: Did it work? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.
"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.
"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?"
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?"
"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying.
Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot.
Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagogue in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray.
Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray. Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrot's head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off. After the services all of Moskowitz's friends laughed, and collected their money.
Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, "Prepare to die you little monster, for I'm going to wring your neck! If you can pray, now's the time!"
The parrot's voice rang out clear, "Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur, when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol nidre. Why don't you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre."
"Why? You didn't do anything today!"
"Exactly," replied the bird. "So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"

Microsoft Jokes
God was looking down on earth one day and decided that things
were not going to get better, in fact they were getting worse
every day. He said to himself thet it is time to start over
again with a new batch who might be able to do better than this
bunch of humans are doing.
So he called up three men, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and
Micale Gorbachev. They are the three best media for getting his
message across. He told the that he was disapointed with mankind
as it is and that he was going to destroy the earth in 30 days.
They had to go back to earth and tell everyone this message.
Bill Clinton called a press conference and said I have some
good news and some bad news. The good news is that our belief
in God is true, I met with him this morning. And the bad news is
that he will destroy the earth in 30 days.
Micale Gorbachev went back to his people and told them he
had some bad news and some realy bad news. First the bad news,
our denial of God is not true, there is a God and I met with him
this morning. The really bad news is that he is going to destroy
the earth and we only have 30 days to repent.
Bill Gates went back to his people and told them that he had
some good news and some great news. First the good news is that
our belief in God is founded, I had a talk with him this morning
and the really great news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95

WINDOWS 95 ERRORS
I thought you might want to know some of the secret Windows 95
errors. I happen to have gotten a copy of the official listing,
which is reproduced here.

Error Number
Meaning
001 Windows 95 loaded. System in danger.
002 No error . . . yet.
003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.
004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.
006 Malicious error. O/2 Warp found on drive.
007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.
008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.
009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what has happened.
00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
00B Inadequate disk space. Need 100 meg minimum.
00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed. More! More!
00D Window closed. Do not look out.
00E Window open, do not look in.
00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.
010 Reserved for future mistakes.
011 Reserved for future mistakes.
012 Reserved for future mistakes.
013 Time/Date error. Year is 1996.
014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
015 Unable to exit Windows 95. Try the door.
016 Door locked. Try control-alt-delete.
017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!
01A Hard drive over written with GIFs of Bill Gates. Terribly sorry.
Microsoft Jokes

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work
smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Microsoft support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it?
Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.


The Top 10 ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

6. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

9. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

10. New seats will force everyone to have the same size derriere.


Microsoft aquires Catholic Church
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond
software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it
will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT
senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will
allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular
pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in
Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are
away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father
Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but
the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo
and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had
that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it
to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased
dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive
licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available
from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing
MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion
will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as
other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM hadkept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving 25 dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept
this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.


Windows error codes

Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus
will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available


The Wisdom of Supermodels
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington
ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
-- Fabio
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."
-- Carol Alt
ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON THINKING
"When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON LOGIC
"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS
"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE
"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington
ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-- Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb
ON VENGEANCE
"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha
ON SELF-ESTEEM
"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
-- Cameron Diaz

Quotes
"I am the person most qualified to host a talk show. I have five kids from three different marriages. I come from a trailer park; my sister and brother are both gay; I have multiple personalities; and the National Enquirer reunited me with my daughter, who I had given up for adoption."
- Roseanne Barr, in Harper's Bazaar
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
"I can't go straight home 'cause the road's crooked."
-- Linton Garner
"You're a parasite for sore eyes."
--attributed to actor/director Gregory Ratoff
"I Have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses."
Imelda Marcos, former First Lady of the Philippines and owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes
"You are nothing but old nuts!"
--translation in a French newspaper of U. S. Army general Anthony McAuliffe's reply-"Nuts!"
-to a German demand for surrender at Bastogne in 1941
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
--Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister from 1945 to 1951
"I regret to say, that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral- genital intimacy unless it has somehow interfered with interstate commerce."
- J. Edgar Hoover
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
- Mark Twain
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
- Vince Lombardi
Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
- George Will
"Ella, Ella, Ella...Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away! Death *really* hates that."
- Doctor, Doctor
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
- Boris Yeltsin
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
- Woody Allen
``The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.''
- Oscar Wilde
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
- Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"I think you should profit from the mistakes of others. You don't live long enough to make them all yourself."
- Lowell Ferguson (airline pilot who once landed in the wrong airport)
The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to put the other somewhat higher.
-ThomasHuxley
Avoid the company of deluded people when you can. When you cannot, keep your own counsel.
-Taken from: Buddha's Little Instruction Book by Jack Kornfield
"There is always something more important than what you are doing."
- Sriram Ramkrishna
"There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once . Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conducto refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before."
- A.P. Herbert
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
- Niels Bohr
"There is nothing more interesting than a man with a future or a woman with a past."
- Oscar Wilde
Carl Sagan: "All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value." "A cat almost always blinks when you whack it in the head with a ballpean hammer."
- Anon
"What we imagine is order is merely the prevailing form of chaos."
- Kerry Thornley, Principia Discordia, 5th edition
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."
"To err is human
And stupid."
- Robert Byrne
"de gustibus non est disputandum"
- Unknown
"It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of different opinion."
- William Ralph Inge
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing."
- Murphy
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep."
- Woody Allen
"Never insult seven men when all your packing is a six-shooter."
- Zane Gray
"Throw strikes. Home plate don't move."
- Satchel Paige
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- Mark Twain
"Rule #1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule #2 is, it's all small stuff."
- Dr. Robert S. Eliot
"Progress is a process of exchanging old troubles for new ones."
- found in a fortune cookie
No man can step into the same river twice, for the second time it is not the same river, and he is not the same man."
- Heraclitus
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
- Franklin P. Jones
"Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years."
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. "
- Jane Wagner
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. "
- Woody Allen
"There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone. "
- Stroustrup
"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown
"Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman (Former quarterback)
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity."
- Bill Vaughan
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics."
- Alfred E. Newman
"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Taxation WITH representation ain't so hot either."
- Gerald Barzan
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"In your thirst for knowledge, be sure not to drown in all the information."
- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
"What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence, a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it."
- Herbert Simon, economist
"No matter how much spin, effort, lunch or dinner you give the media, they will not fail to notice whether you have won or lost."
- Robin Renwick, former British ambassador to the United States
"The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were."
- David Brinkley
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
- Dan Rather
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be light", and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
- Dave Thomas, SCTV
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
- Burt Bacharach
"Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important."
- Lisa Hoffman
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
- Mark Twain
"And my parents finally realize that I`m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room."
- Woody Allen
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
- P. J. O`Rouke.




Unabomber Haiku

Technology bad
Please tell me you like my beard
Or I'll blow you up


Fun, easygoing
single, white Unabomber
seeks same for love, laughs.


Ed McMahon of death:
"You may already be a
winner! Open now!"


Bad Unabomber!
Blowing people all to hell.
Do you take requests?


Farewell to tenure
Sniping from the tower clock
already been done


Why can't I get this
stupid computer to print?
Time to buy some stamps.


Should I comb my hair
Or should I wear it matted
Judge prefers it combed


Remember when you
Laughed at his fake fur parka?
He remembers, too.


"Open your present..."
"No, you open your present..."
Kaczinski Christmas


Its circumstantial
all that stuff in my cabin
I found it all. Yeah.


Ted's fate worse than death:
"You're assigned to prison shop.
Make computer chips."


Shy Midwestern kid
Attends Harvard, and presto!
Unabomber's born


Angered all the more
enraged year after year by
lame police drawing


Accountant Jokes
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?
A: His/her personality.
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q: What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
A: Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humour.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
Q: There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
A: Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.


A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?" "No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."